Six Indispensible Things You’ll Need to be a ‘Pro’ Writer

After years of research, I finally have a definitive list:

1) A word processor.

Apple is preferred, but Windows and Linux based options make you look like you’ve suffered for your art, rather than been gifted a fifteen hundred quid PC. Whether you buy it, get given it or nick it, no writer can live without an electronic friend with autocarrract the ability to speil put your worms right. Obvious no.1 really, I couldn’t win a spelling ‘D’ let alone a spelling ‘B’.

2) A typewriter.

You might think this is superfluous after the word processor, but no writer ever took a cool selfie without half a ton of old fashion hammers and steel keys arrayed in front of them (you’ll need a portfolio of these photos for your blog, Facebook page, Twitter account etc). Some writers also claim that the object exudes a kind of antique magic. Studies show that this is probably the whiff of solvent from the ribbon*; by all means have one on the desk for this purpose, but position it to left of the word processor. You can’t cut and paste on a typewriter without a guillotine and a tube of UHU; even then the rollers get sticky. (*Note: dry-wipe markers may be a cheaper alternative for those of you taking the budget highway to literary success.)

3) A notice board or large expanse of wall and Blu-tack.

Artists need to feel they have big and important ideas. Most writers do not, so it’s a good tip to learn to develop handwriting with a large and expansive font (or be good at doodling).

4) Big pockets for your big notebook.

As a writer, you will need a big notebook to write down all the stupid stuff other people say and the profound thoughts that come to you (or vice versa) during daily life. A writer should never be further from a notebook than he or she is from the nearest vermin and according to the latest research, we’re only ever a few metres from Weil’s Disease.  You can’t write Shakespearean thoughts on a rat, so keep your Moleskines close.  Jackets and trousers need to be fitted out with ample carrying capacity. Wear them at all times (the muse is fickle). If you prefer sleeping ‘au naturale’, get a bedside table.

5) Prune juice and/or castor oil in the medicine cabinet.

Writers are regularly ‘blocked’. In fact, it’s amazing how regularly many writers become irregular. Strong laxatives won’t help your creative problem, but it will stop you moping around in the ‘writing den’ and never coming out.

6) People who like you but don’t love you.

These are required to read the sh*t you turn out in first draft and tell you how it is without risking divorce, disinheritance or a swift blow over the head with a sharp object. (There is a thin line between love and hate, and personal relationships mixing love and prose are permanent candidates for a border crossing.)

Read my slightly more serious ‘Rules For Writing’  here