Eggs and Bad Banking on Day Six

Day Six of the twelve days of Christmas is all about geese laying eggs.  How to get my true love this next gift?

Now to be perfectly honest, I live next to a reservoir. We have Canadian Geese. It’s a lot warmer around Northamptonshire than Vancouver at this time of year, so rather than losing our population to the usual migratory pattern of other species, we’ve got so many geese you can’t throw a stone without hitting one… which – as it happens – is just what’s required to subdue today’s gift set and get a ribbon tied round the necks of the individual items while they’re still woozy.

With that done, I can spend my time on the real problem. Check yesterday’s formula:- there’s still fifty-seven gifts to acquire and the kitty is running low (when I say, ‘the kitty is running low’, I mean the financial fund, not a cat with short legs.)

I consider options. A payday loan, perhaps.  I check the numbers. They want seven thousand percent interest! No, you read it right. That’s why I wrote it out in words. I didn’t want you to think I’d spilled my coffee over my keyboard and shorted the ‘zero’ key.

OK, this means if I borrowed my month’s pay on a Monday, I’d owe more in interest by Friday than my whole month’s pay was worth. I’d need another payday loan to pay the interest, and at the end of the next week, two more payday loans to pay the interest on the loans one and two. By the end of the month, I’d have ten payday loans, no money and I’d be in debt to the tune of ten month’s pay. At that rate by the end of the year (check out the G = n x (n+1) / 2 from my previous post; and remember there are 52 weeks in a year), I’d owe 1,378 months of pay.

I decide to ring up a bank instead. As you know, all high street banks are now in India. I get a helpful young lady called Melanie, who knows that it’s stopped snowing in England. I suspect that Melanie is not Melanie’s real name, even though she makes a point of telling me.

“Isn’t it a sunny day for December?” she says cheerfully.

“I need money,” I tell her.

“Oh, really,” she says. She clearly has my bank details showing up on her screen next to the weather forecast for Northamptonshire.

“It’s for a special purchase. Well, special purchases, plural, actually.”

“And what would the nature of the purchases be? Capital goods?”

“Erm…” I take a deep breath. “Seven swans-a-swimming, eight maids-a-milking, nine ladies dancing, ten Lords-a-leaping, eleven pipers piping and about a dozen drummers. I know that all the swans belong to the Crown and the rest sounds like I’m into human trafficking, but really it’s just a romantic gesture for Christmas… for my true love.”

“Would you be able to put any of these goods up as security?” Melanie asks, undaunted. “…Against the loan.”

“Maybe the swans,” I suggest.  Any of the rest would seem like slavery.

“I thought you said they belonged to the Crown?” I hear her tapping at her keyboard, looking for information. “That’s Queen Elizabeth, isn’t it?”

“She probably won’t miss them.”

“I’m sorry, Sir, we can’t take collateral against stolen property.”

“You need collateral? Is it strictly necessary?”

“These days, yes, Sir.”

“You mean, it didn’t used to be?”

“No, Sir.”

“Tell me more, Melanie, I have time on my hands. I know you’re the bank that likes to get on friendly terms with its customers.”

“Well, Sir, I’m not supposed to say, but since that ‘recording calls for training purposes’ is a sham…”

“Go on,” I urge.

“Well, it’s like this: there was a time we really rather liked it when we could loan you money you hadn’t a chance of paying back. We wanted to give you that chance, that brief comforting feeling of well-being. So, we’d give you the money, then sell your debt at a mark up to RBS.”

“Rather like payday loans companies then?”

“Oh, no, Sir, not at all. They sell on your debt to a man called Ron. He has a baseball bat.”

“So, just to be clear, you’re saying, no chance, nada, no unsecured lending anymore?”

“No, Sir, RBS went bust. There’s no fall guy now. We can only lend money to people with money.”

“But they don’t need it.”

“It’s true we are lending much less often these days…. Though when people with money do come in, seeking loans, we’re all too willing to help them. If I may suggest, Sir, what you need is a business plan. Our small business team could help you with that.”

“A business plan… for Christmas gifts?”

“I’ll put you through to Cassandra. I do hope you didn’t get too wet in the recent rain storms.”

“That was yesterday.”

“Oh, so it was. Just putting you on hold.”

… I’m holding still.

 

If you haven’t done so yet, check out the rest of the series…

• The Partridge in the Pear Tree
• The Two Turtle Doves
• The Three French Hens
• The Four ‘Corley’ Birds
• The Five Gold Rings