As Day Five of the twelve days dawns, we’re off the ornithology for a moment and onto jewellery, but a budgetary crisis looms. When it comes to the Gold Rings, said crisis is both mathematical and metallurgical.
Firstly, the maths. It’s a weird gift-giving scenario we’re into here, in which the numerical quantity of gifts rises on a daily basis. We’ve done four days which is a third of the allotted duration, but in gifts terms, we’ve hardly scratched the surface. You can understand the problem using the following formula:
G = n x (n+1) / 2
Where n= the number of days; and G is the total number of gifts.
Now don’t panic if you are somewhat arithmophobic, the sum isn’t even hard enough to call it algebra:
- After four days, n= 4, so the total number of gifts given so far is (4 x 5)/2 = 10.
- By day twelve, romantic questers like myself are expected to produce (12 x 13)/2 = 78 gifts.
So rather than being a third through the programme, I’ve got a total of 12.5% of it done… And I’m almost out of money.
Secondly, here is the problem with the metals. Gold is expensive, partly because it’s shiny and attractive; party because there’s less than four swimming pool’s worth of it in existence (there used to be less than one swimming pool’s worth of the stuff, back when this was a more interesting ‘trivial’ fact, but there’s been a recent expansion in production; it isn’t that swimming pools have got smaller); and partly because nearly every electronic component in the world uses a few nano-grammes of good old AU-197 to keep the electrons flowing.
What this comes down to is this: Gold rings cost a lot. We’re looking at, at least, £500 for a presentable one, even in the post-Christmas sales. Five are required. That’s two and a half grand. And – in terms of the bigger picture – that only gets us through another day.
Fortunately, I have discovered a loop hole. I’m not proud of it, and it’s only a short-term fix, but here it is: Americans are bad at singing.
It’s true. They can’t manage the shift in pitch required half way through the word ‘Gold’. Try it, if you don’t believe me, it’s quite hard:
Two Turtle Doves has four syllables
Four Corley Birds has four syllables
…Both matching the four notes in the line. But ‘Five gold rings’ has only three syllables, and you have to make a tricky decision where to put the extra note. The result, apparently, is discordant chaos every time an American ensemble tries to sing their way through verse five as originally written. So what do you think they did?
Yep, in the American version, they changed the words. No regard for history those Yanks. They changed them to ‘five golden rings’.
I, however, have never been happier to learn the consequence of our Atlantic cousins’ famed laziness with English phrases. Here, it is the source of a very important cost saving. A ‘Golden’ ring can be produced using little more than a Coca-Cola ring pull and a lick of metallic paint (Colour= #16 from the range of enamels, to be precise; another left over from my Airfix days).
So, insolvency is staved off for another day. Gifts are delivered. ‘n’ now equals 5. But crippling impecunity is still imminent. I shall sleep uneasily.
Note to Self: You can’t go on like this. You are going to need alternate finance. We’ve got geese and swans on the horizon.
Note to Everyone Else: If you haven’t done so yet, check out the rest of the series…
and now:
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